Life of an Anxious Chick

Well, some things have changed since my last post.  I turned another year older, not sure if I'm a year wiser, but I have definitely grown quite a bit in the last 12 months.  I'm not where I want to be completely, but I'm damn glad I'm not where I was a year ago.  I'm trying hard not to compare my life to others, but still, overall, I wish things were different turning 32.  I wish I had children.  I wish I was married.  And I wish I wasn't in so much debt and in a better living situation.   However, some older and wiser people in my life have pointed out that I (most of us probably) need to be more grateful for what I do have in my life.  I'm not married but I am currently in a loving and healthy relationship (more about him later 😉).  I don't have children and I don't really have anything to compare that to other than I feel closer than ever to my family and friends.  I'm also really happy with the 180 degree turn-around Tuck ...

  So anyone that's still in the dating pool pretty much after the age of 25 knows that dating just sucks.  The busier we get with life and careers and adulting, many of us are basically forced to turn to the dark world (mostly kidding) of online dating.  Don't get me wrong, online dating has its perks.  For one, you're not being set up blindly by your well meaning but often clueless friends.  (I've been on some rough blind dates to say the least.) It gives you a chance to weed out people that wouldn't be a good match with the way people have to fill out profiles.  And the anonymity makes it easy to write off and block the weirdos quickly if need be. Of course, there are drawbacks.  Oh my God, are there drawbacks.  They say online dating brings out the crazies, and that is definitely true.  Sometimes people on these websites are so desperate to find a date or whatnont, they are less than forthcoming with who they really are.  ...

Whenever someone new comes into my life albeit a friend or significant other, I always have in the back of my head, ok when do I tell them, or should I at all?  I also wondered if I should mention it in this blog at all or not.  What I'm talking about is an ugly bitch called Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD for short.  I was diagnosed with this disorder about 10 years ago.  What does this mean and what does it not mean?  In short, I feel everything, all emotions for the most part intensely.  Honestly, I cannot find the words to describe the level of that intensity, but it is exhausting a lot of the time. It's not always clear what causes BPD but in my case it was a mix of trauma, abuse and abandonment during my teenage years.  The National Institute of Mental Health described BPD as "a mental illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior."  What does that mean? For me, it's almost constant inner turm...

So, it's been a minute since my last post, and quite a bit has happened.  I moved into a new house last weekend.  This is the very first time in my life I have lived 100% on my own.  No roomates, no family, no man, just me.  And, it's awesome, for the most part anyway.  My house is definitely unique though.  It's the same concept as a duplex, but it's 3 separate units.  I have a neighbor to the right of me and no one on the other end.  It's definitely more than I expected to spend so that's causing some mild anxiety.  I've decided to pick up a part time job to make sure I can afford everything. Also, this place needs quite a bit of work.  It's one of the nicer places I've lived in my recent nomadic life, but nonetheless, it's going to be a bit before it's truly where I want it to be.   This new place is really giving me hope for the future though.  It's making me want to continue to grow and really stand on my own two feet as...

Breakups, they really are the worst.  And breakups after you're thirty, the worst of the worst.  I am currently 2 days post break-up.  So on comes the landslide of sappy love songs, motivational quotes, f-you quotes and lots and lots of tears, anger and confusion.  And to add to horror of it all, we still live together.  Yes folks, as if the constant fighting, the back and forth, and all that goes with it wasn't bad enough, we've now entered a new hell. I know I'm not the first to go through this, but I wish I could ask someone the rules.  Do we talk or not talk?  Is everything separate now, like food?  Do we tell each other where we're going when we leave the house or is something like only reserved for being 'together'?  This is all so confusing. So why not just go stay at a friend or family member's house or something?  If only.  But unfortunately my dog is more tasmanian devil than dog so most people would not be so patient....

Hello! I've never written a blog before or really anything other than of course what was required for school. So bear with me! I'm intending this blog to just be focused on my interpretation of life and not really one specific topic. I always seem to have stuff going on so it will probably jump around a lot. I'm also using this as a therapeutic tool to get out some of the junk that I have whirling around my head out. So if no one reads this or I obtain thousands of followers, either is ok by me. A little about the writer (by the way, so far this feels extremely narcissistic and it feels awkward so I hope no one else reading this feels the same!) I'm 31 and work as a home health aide. I'm also divorced, going on 3 years now and had 1 daughter out of that marriage and unfortunately she was stillborn. Ten years ago, I would have never  imagined I'd be where I am today. Ten years ago I was engaged and even though I had NO idea what I was going to do with my life...