Mental Illness is a M***********

Whenever someone new comes into my life albeit a friend or significant other, I always have in the back of my head, ok when do I tell them, or should I at all?  I also wondered if I should mention it in this blog at all or not.  What I'm talking about is an ugly bitch called Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD for short.  I was diagnosed with this disorder about 10 years ago.  What does this mean and what does it not mean?  In short, I feel everything, all emotions for the most part intensely.  Honestly, I cannot find the words to describe the level of that intensity, but it is exhausting a lot of the time.

It's not always clear what causes BPD but in my case it was a mix of trauma, abuse and abandonment during my teenage years.  The National Institute of Mental Health described BPD as "a mental illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior."  What does that mean? For me, it's almost constant inner turmoil in most areas of my life. My relationships, how I feel about myself and sometimes my behavior can be random, unpredictable and ever changing. What does it not mean? I'm not crazy. I really hate that word. I still have a relatively "normal" life. I'm not violent by any means (had one dude ask if I was going to hurt him or his kids..wtf?). I don't have multiple personalities. I don't see/hear/experience anything that's not there.

BPD has been hard. But I also think it's got a few upsides. I am extremely empathetic towards other people. I understand emotions/feelings more than your average person.  One ex even called me an empath. I don't know if that's real or not but I definitely pick up on people's emotions very easily and that's been beneficial in all of my relationships.  I also need people in my life so I would give the moon and stars to the people I love. So I find it easy to share with people how I feel about them and I think most would describe me as warm and loving because of that.

I'm about to wrap this up but I wanted to list the official symptoms that I see most psych websites and practioners seem to agree on. Here they are...
 

*Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by friends and family.       
(This, this, OMG this!!)

*Unstable personal relationships that alternate between idealization (“I’m so in love!”) and devaluation (“I hate her”). This is also sometimes known as "splitting.".                                                  
(Somewhat but I've come a long way and I've gotten a lot better about recognizing when I'm splitting)

*Distorted and unstable self-image, which affects moods, values, opinions, goals and relationships.                                      
(Um, yep, as far as self-image)

*Impulsive behaviors that can have dangerous outcomes, such as excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse or reckless driving.                                   
 (Not really anymore)

*Self-harming behavior including suicidal threats or attempts.                                 
(Never self-harmed but have made threats)

*Periods of intense depressed mood, irritability or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days.                                              
(Check!!)

*Chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness.                                                 
 (Yep)

*Inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable anger—often followed by shame and guilt.                                                              
(Sometimes but meds really help)

*Dissociative feelings—disconnecting from your thoughts or sense of identity or “out of body”.                                           
(Only when under extreme anxiety, more like shutting down).

 

Ok well sorry this was long but that's what I got on BPD.

Love lots,

E

            Poem about BPD