Breaking up is hard to do
Breakups, they really are the worst. And breakups after you're thirty, the worst of the worst. I am currently 2 days post break-up. So on comes the landslide of sappy love songs, motivational quotes, f-you quotes and lots and lots of tears, anger and confusion. And to add to horror of it all, we still live together. Yes folks, as if the constant fighting, the back and forth, and all that goes with it wasn't bad enough, we've now entered a new hell.
I know I'm not the first to go through this, but I wish I could ask someone the rules. Do we talk or not talk? Is everything separate now, like food? Do we tell each other where we're going when we leave the house or is something like only reserved for being 'together'? This is all so confusing.
So why not just go stay at a friend or family member's house or something? If only. But unfortunately my dog is more tasmanian devil than dog so most people would not be so patient. So, for now, I'm stuck. I have a couple possible rentals. And if I keep my fingers and toes crossed, and the stars align and I say 50 hail mary's MAYBE, just maybe I'll find something that fits into my itsy bitsy teeny weeny budget.
Bottom line, all of this, sucks. But what's a girl to do? I suppose I've survived worse, probably much worse. But when you're in the middle of it, it sure doesn't feel that way. In some ways, this feels more painful than my divorce. Seriously. That relationship was over years before we finally called it quits. I no longer had love or even respect for my ex husband when we split. But I wanted it to work with K, as toxic and messed up as the whole situation was. I think what hurts the most is that he said he never felt loved by me. That, well, I don't even have words for that. My walls were probably always up to some degree at least, but I tried so hard to show him love. I tried to put myself out there with him. And it kills me he doesn't know or feel any of that.
People have asked me if I did everything I could in this relationship. Honestly, I don't have an answer for that. I was damaged and very broken coming into this. But I suppose as messed up as I was, I did the best I could. Would I go back and change things if I could? You bet your ass I would. But I can't. I suppose that's just life and we've all been there at least once.
Sorry for the gloomy post but I guess I'm going through a storm right now. Thanks for reading.
~E
"Sometimes there is nothing you can do but let it rain and wait for the sunshine."
I know I'm not the first to go through this, but I wish I could ask someone the rules. Do we talk or not talk? Is everything separate now, like food? Do we tell each other where we're going when we leave the house or is something like only reserved for being 'together'? This is all so confusing.
So why not just go stay at a friend or family member's house or something? If only. But unfortunately my dog is more tasmanian devil than dog so most people would not be so patient. So, for now, I'm stuck. I have a couple possible rentals. And if I keep my fingers and toes crossed, and the stars align and I say 50 hail mary's MAYBE, just maybe I'll find something that fits into my itsy bitsy teeny weeny budget.
Bottom line, all of this, sucks. But what's a girl to do? I suppose I've survived worse, probably much worse. But when you're in the middle of it, it sure doesn't feel that way. In some ways, this feels more painful than my divorce. Seriously. That relationship was over years before we finally called it quits. I no longer had love or even respect for my ex husband when we split. But I wanted it to work with K, as toxic and messed up as the whole situation was. I think what hurts the most is that he said he never felt loved by me. That, well, I don't even have words for that. My walls were probably always up to some degree at least, but I tried so hard to show him love. I tried to put myself out there with him. And it kills me he doesn't know or feel any of that.
People have asked me if I did everything I could in this relationship. Honestly, I don't have an answer for that. I was damaged and very broken coming into this. But I suppose as messed up as I was, I did the best I could. Would I go back and change things if I could? You bet your ass I would. But I can't. I suppose that's just life and we've all been there at least once.
Sorry for the gloomy post but I guess I'm going through a storm right now. Thanks for reading.
~E
"Sometimes there is nothing you can do but let it rain and wait for the sunshine."
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