Finding my Calling

  Today's world is no doubt full of chaos and uncertainty.  Things are changing every day and sometimes moment to moment.  It's hard to draw the line between being informed and being consumed.  And it's hard not to become sucked into the panic of everything.  But if there's one thing the pandemic has reinforced for me, it's my decision on what to do with my life.

  Let me rewind a bit.  Last year when I traveled to Alaska for Amanda's wedding, I did a lot of soul searching (it's easy to do in that kind of scenery.)  At that point, I knew I wanted to go back to school but I was unsure of exactly what for.  I thought about social work or something along those lines.  But in my heart, I knew that was the safe choice.  There was another road I'd thought of for years but never really had the courage to even say it out loud.  That road leads to becoming a physician.  But I always thought it was just too much; too long, too monumental, too much expense and might get in the way of having a family.

  I've had people always believe in me like Jon and my two best friends but I suppose I've never completely believed in myself (hence the "safe choices.")  And let me just put a disclaimer; social work by no means is easy, in fact, I think it would be a very difficult road to take, but for me, it's not where my passion lies.  If I chose something along the lines of social work, I would just be choosing it because it's familiar, not because it's what I really want to do.  But something in me changed just a little bit when I went out to Alaska.  I started to think more about what I really wanted out of life.  I have always dreamt of becoming a doctor but just never had the nerve to pursue it; after all, I'm in my 30's!  I'm "not a pup anymore" as my father so eloquently put it.  (No offense to him, he's right!)  

  Not to sound totally cliche, but something about being out in the mountains makes me really reflect on life.  I began to think about what I really wanted to do if there were no limits.  The night of the rehearsal dinner I was talking to Amanda's aunt and uncle about my ambitions of becoming a doctor and they basically just said, "Do it! You can really do anything!"  I don't know why it took hearing that from someone else, but it's like the old light bulb went off and I finally thought, "Well maybe I can!"

  When I got home from Alaska I nervously brought up the subject to Jon.  I knew if I was going to go down this road, I'd have to have his full support as my partner in life.  As if I really had any doubt, Jon immediately gave his blessing and encouragement.  I'd never really had that in a partner before, it's really refreshing.  I began telling more people and started to get excited.  I finally felt I really had a purpose in life.  

  Late last fall I had a reinstatement interview at IUPUI and was accepted as an undergrad.  I have decided to major in Biology with a focus on the pre-medicine track.  It was all coming together.  Unfortunately, however, I hit a bit of a bump in the road with my new job.  I quickly got overwhelmed in my new role and decided it would be best for my mental health to take a step back and wait for the following fall semester to begin.  

  My mental health was/is the last piece of the puzzle.  Initially, I thought there was no way I could become a physician with a mental illness.  How would that even work?  I felt as though I basically didn't have the right or perhaps it was irresponsible of me.  The more I thought about this, the more I worried.  I decided to talk to the Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner I'd been receiving treatment from for the past two years as well as my therapist.  I told them to be honest with me and they were.  Despite having BPD, neither one could see any reason why I couldn't pursue this route.  I am very self-aware, high functioning and have developed many coping skills throughout my years of treatment.  Perhaps even having a disorder, I could in some ways be more empathetic towards my future patients.  

  Fast forward to now and as most would probably agree, these past few weeks have been nothing short of uncertainty, fear, and confusion.  However, one thing that has been reinforced in me more now than ever before is the road to becoming a doctor.  Life is too short to not pursue our dreams.  I watched a movie with my clients last week and heard a quote from none other than Dolly Parton, "Figure out who you are and do it on purpose."  She could have been speaking directly to me.  I decided then to fit in the last piece of the puzzle and set aside my fears.  I am going to pursue this life and do my best not to let anything get in my way.