When did the light burn out? When did the sparkle dim? And when did the music stop? It's hard to pinpoint exactly when things go from good to bad in an unhealthy relationship. It's as if at some point it all just gets molded into the bad. Darkness overshadows the light until all you can see anymore is black. You ask yourself, was there ever good? There must have been at some point. But things have been so bad for so long that you just can't remember anymore. All you know is the darkness, the pain and the despair. And perhaps one day, somehow, you're able to find the strength to walk away. Kudos, really. But you quickly discover that darkness just follows you, because that's all you've known for so long. So that is what you expect. And if by some miracle the light starts to come back in your life you don't embrace it, but instead you question it. You question it's intentions and you certainly can't take it for face value. There must be something else going on. There must be some ulterior motive. And this is where I am. I am stuck.
For years I was told in countless ways that no matter how hard I tried, I would just never be enough; not skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, successful enough; you name it, I probably heard it. They're all lies, or so those closest to me say, but you hear it long enough and it becomes reality. It's all you know.
I sit here five years out from under the darkness and yet I'm still struggling. I've become hypervigilant; looking for signs and red flags almost constantly, and I am exhausted. I have a beautiful ring on my left hand and I still check to make sure it wasn't all a dream... constantly.
I'm sorry for the negativity. Someone reopened a wound today that I keep thinking has healed. But I guess it's still a scab and scabs can easily be picked off. All I can pray for is that some day I'll be completely whole.
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