The Iron Lady

It has been entirely too long since I have posted something. There's been a huge amount of change in my life. But lately, I've been really looking at the bigger picture, or at least trying to. Back around Thanksgiving time it felt like my world got flipped upside down when my boss just blurted out one day "We're moving to St Louis." I think I cried for two, maybe three days. I had no idea what I was going to do, this had been the best paying job I'd had in years. But long story short, I got a great reference from my former boss, Tom, and accepted a new job at a home health company.

Starting this new job, I thought maybe I'd get a break from the crazy stress I'd endured the last year and a half, but wrong doesn't even seem to cover it. I thought I would maybe get some sweet old grannies that just needed some help here and there; you know, some fluff shifts. Not even close. I got handed a whole new set of stress. Don't get me wrong, I love my new clients but they're all pretty challenging in their own ways. 

So, that brings me to the client I'm with tonight, Mr R. My company told me upfront that he was on hospice and asked if I would be ok with that. I told them no problem, I'd done it before. Then the trainer/CNA told me right before we walked into the condo, "Oh by the way, Mrs R is one of the toughest family members we've ever had. I'm not kidding Elizabeth, we've gone through at least 30 caregivers in the last year and a half." I thanked him for the heads up but really wasn't rattled at all. Besides, he didn't know what I had gone through the last year and a half.

I met Mr and Mrs R and I could tell almost right away what he had meant about Mrs R. Her flat tone and blunt attitude probably did scare some people off. But I thought, I'll just be me, and so I was. Tom prepared me well for particularly difficult cases. He also told me right before my time ended with his family that I needed to "stop selling myself short and realize what a gift I have." (I still don't consider it a gift. I feel like most of my job is just common sense and perseverance) 

By some miracle, Mrs R took an almost immediate liking to me. And so, we battled through the end of her husband's life together (along with other caregivers of course). It was such a short time but in that month I saw what love, devotion and dedication truly meant. Never once did she ask, "why me, why us?" She simply said "it sucks." And it does. I cannot even fathom what it means to lose the love of your life. These diseases I'm coming to know more intimately, are nothing short of cruel and unfair. This man was described to me as brilliant and extremely successful and this horrible disease robbed him of everything, and in the end, his life. In a months time we watched him whither away and probably lose at least 20 pounds. It broke my heart as I'm sure many many others.

(Fast forward a week)

I wish I could have started with that family and gotten to know them sooner. I wish I could have had more time to learn from Mrs R. I felt like our time together would be ending soon so during one of my last shifts there I just blurted out, "How'd you get to be so strong?" (Face palm - this woman has high status, a ton of success, and the respect of very prominent people from all over and I'm blurting out a really personal question. Who the hell was I to be questioning her?) I really expected her to tell me that was inappropriate or none of my business but much to my surprise she was taken aback and just laughed. She said, "you think I'm strong? I cry all the time." I told her that doesn't determine strength, at least not in my book. Real strength was not leaving her husband's side no matter how difficult or painful it was. And real strength is looking death in the face and continuing on anyway. She didn't falter, not once. Sure she cried, who wouldn't, she's human. But she kept going. She kept living and she kept pushing on for her husband and for herself. She had a calmness to her that's hard to put into words.

It's now been about a week since Mr R passed away.  I'm told in his final hours he was surrounded by people that cared about him and of course, his devoted wife. I wasn't with them on that last day but I'm grateful he's finally at peace. I got a message from Mrs R the other day and she's doing okay. She said she's feeling just a little bit stronger (which amazes me) and looking forward to being surrounded by family and friends soon.

I didn't expect to be impacted by such a remarkable woman just out of the blue at my new job, but there she was. And I am better for knowing her.